Red band trailer for V/H/S 2 – Shyyyiiit this looks dope

I am so into this that it makes my psychically and emotionally uncomfortable. The original was pretty good but this red band trailer for the sequel alone was so intense that I think it will 1up it’s predecessor. Don’t go off of my explanation, just watch the damned thing.

I you haven’t seen the first one, it’s free and streaming on Netflix. It’s worth a watch. Also, some of the directors involved have done some really awesome movies. The Raid is one of the best action movies I’ve seen in a long time and Hobo With A Shotgun is just pure, 80’s era  cheese at its finest. Plus the dude who did the Blair Witch Project is involved. Love it or hate it, that movie is iconic and, in all relevance, helped kick start the ‘found footage’ style of movie.

This flick comes out on VOD June 6th and in select theaters July 12th. Get out there and support Magnet!

Love, your idiot pal,

-Dave

Source: The ever awesome, Fangoria

Jack Reacher review – Evil never wants to show it’s true face, but Jack Reacher WILL FIND IT AND PUNCH IT.

Let’s just say that when the credits for this movie started their vertical march upward across the screen, I sat forward on the couch, nudged aside my passed out girlfriend, and started some full on applause. There are movies, there are examples of cinema, there are even masterpieces, but then… there’s Jack. Fucking. Reacher.

To get an idea of what you’re in for, just take a look at the DVD cover. It’s all there. Leather Jacket? Check. Walking motion away from American muscle car toward the camera? Yup. City skyline? Of course. And what’s that superimposed over the sky? IT’S THE AMERICAN FUCKING FLAG because justice only recognizes one nation under god… and these colors don’t run.

The opening scene sets the stage with a shooting, that’s actually shot really well (Puns). Five people go up *snap* like that at the will of an expert marksman that we as the plainly see in a full one close up. BANG! Cops everywhere. They saw the crime scene, they found the prints, time to bring down the man. They zip tie this piece of shit, throw him in an interrogation room, and warm him up for the long dick of the law. Hell, he’s even going to sign a confession. But wait that’s not the guy who we saw in that closeup shot before the shooting, and hey, that’s not a confession he’s writing. It says..

“GET JACK REACHER.”

Then the cops are talking about him. “He’s a ghost. No one sees him… until it’s too late. The military kicked him out because he was too badass. Every medal known to man, three times over, with honors. His fist contains the force of seven Buicks being shot out of a giant super collider. Spent his remaining service years as a military cop.”

Name: Jack Reacher. Age: Unknown. Occupation: Hero. Favorite color: Leather

“How will we find him?”

“You don’t find him, he finds you.”

*KNOCK KNOCK* Secretary opens the door.
“Sir, there’s a Jack Reacher here to see you.”

Now, Jack just walks in at this point but I suspect his original reveal was cut out of the script. It probably went something like this:

CUT TO:
INT: POLICE STATION – DAY.

The door at the front of the police station explodes into a mist of splinters. JACK REACHER enters the office. Every woman is instantly pregnant. “Fodder for the liberal rape baby abortion case”, the conservative propaganda machine will call it. Little do they know, every one of these women will want to have these babies.

His shirt you ask? Hanging on for dear life. Every moment of it’s existence is spent in fear that at any moment, either a women will tear it off, or it will explode off of JACK’s rippling pecs. The shirt fears JACK. Every living thing as well as inanimate object fears JACK. You should fear JACK.

From there on out, it’s an investigation movie. But it’s an investigation movie that ain’t no pussy. The case appears open and shut but Jack’s got his suspicions. He knows the army and the death engines it churns out and this isn’t their work. There is more to this crime than meets the eye.

There’s probably some corporate entity that’s so vile, so wretched, that they’d be willing to kill to get what they need. You can’t pull one on Jack though. He pulls one on you… AND IT’S A GUN! But it doesn’t matter, because you died five minutes ago, in the future, where Jack is about to kill you.

The Pros?

Guns, fast cars, Tom Cruise shirtless scenes, guns, women fawning over Tom Cruise, guns, corrupt cops, fight scenes, guns, and the best part… one liners. One liners like a scene where he’s pointing a gun at a bad guy, demanding his name. When he doesn’t get the answer, and Jack always gets the answer, he says:

Jack: I was born in October; when I get to my birthday I’m going to pull the trigger.  (You see… because he’s going to count to 10. And October is… you see?)

Ooooh, gold. Or how about this little exchange with a completely innocent auto parts store manager who’s protecting one of his employees.

Manager: I need to see some I.D.

Jack: I’m not showing you any I.D.

Manager: Well, I need to see something.

Jack: How about the inside of an ambulance?

Priceless…

The Cons?

None. Maybe a lack of American flags…and guns. Otherwise this film is flawless.

If I had to put a number of inhaler puffs to this, it would have to a million bazillion. Why? Because it’s not a real number. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching Jack Reacher, it’s that facts and evidence… these things are trivial. Only justice is important and a million bazillion inhaler puffs is the only number that can do this movie any goddamned justice.

I’m going to go scream the national anthem out the window now.
Love, your idiot pal,

-Dave

PS. If you can’t pick up on sarcasm and over the top praise for comedic value… my writing isn’t really for you.

GOT Compendium – S3 Ep7 – Daenerys’ emancipation proclamation by fire, Where the wildlings are, and Jaime Lannister minus a handister.

 I’m a little late with this edition of the weekly Game Of Thrones compendium. The morning has been consumed by both work and Bruins chit chat as the boys in black and gold closed out the Toronto Maple Leafs last night in a historic comeback. (Sorry Jon snow)

 So let’s get into it! There are a couple things to talk about after this week.

Daenerys Stormborn; Blonde of hair, hot of face, girlfriend of Seth McFarlane, and yadda yadda

 Man, say one thing about Daenerys Targarion, this bitch hates slavery. She’s like a blonde chick version of Abraham Lincoln with three dragons (so nothing like Abe except for the slavery bit. Let’s uh… let’s get back to it).  But seriously, she even got “breaker of chains” added to her long list of titles. She’s getting pretty badass. Now she’s set her sights on the next slave city that she wants to trash.

 Why don’t we slow it down for a second and take a little rewind sesh. A look back on the journey of the little Khaleesi. She left the Dothraki Sea after Khal Drogo (Conan the Hubbarian) died from an infection. After her dragon babies were born, she crossed The Red Wastes, a totally shitty place that’s a giant desert, only it’s one from a fantasy story, so it sucks even worse.

 The BAM, Qarth happened. Turns out Qarth is a paradise on the edge of hell (Kinda like the Las Vegas of that world). That’s where her dragons got stolen, that one dude, Xaro Xhoan daxos, kept trying to marry her, and the blue lipped weirdo tried to get his Necromancy on with her in that freaky palace. She put the torch to that with a little dragon breath though. Am I right or amiright?

 Then she sailed over to Astapor, a slaver city. This part of the world is notorious for its slavery (It’s pretty much like Egypt back in it’s Biblical setting). This is where slaves are born, trained, bought, and sold. Daenerys at this point needs an army and that’s why she had a look at the Unsullied (her former slave fighting force of ultimate badasses). Well, we all know how that turned out for that one slaver that liked to talk smack in high Valyrian (the tongue in which she raised speaking… hehe *inhaler puff*).

 Now she’s looking at Yunkai, another huge slaver city. You see that harpy on the tower(s)? That’s a symbol of slavery. Every time you see that, you know that gets Daenerys’s blood up and shit’s going to get real. Even Jorah’s like, “Listen, girl. We don’t need this shit right now”. She isn’t going to listen. This girl is going to fuck slavery up.

**Check this out! Interactive GOT world map: http://quartermaester.info/

Where the hell are Jon and the Wildlings on Jon Snow going again?

 So, they climbed the wall, barely made it, and almost died. Where the hell are they going again? Well, Mance Rayder has quite the plan. He knows that a siege of the wall is a bad idea. After all, that’s what the wall is there for. To be sieged. They could post up outside all day and all they could do is bang on the door to the tunnel that leads underneath while the Night’s Watch rains down and ungodly death storm of arrows, hot oil, fire, and all kinds of nasty shit.

 There is something that gives him an edge though. Upon arriving at the Fist of the First Men (The place where the Night’s Watch was camped beyond the wall toward the end of the second season when all the White Walkers (snow zombies) showed up) they find the heads of all the horse heads arranged in a swirl pattern. Jon tells Mance that there were 300 men there. The chance of many getting away was very slim. This means that the ever dwindling number of the Night’s Watch has dwindled even more.

 And so… this battle plan is hatched.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO6SHHV8s20&t=1m29s

 Why not hit the already weak Castle Black (The castle at the wall where Jon and all the others came from when they left the wall originally – 2 points for who remembers why – Answer below) from two sides? It’s not a bad idea. Mance seems to know what he’s doing. He is the self proclaimed “king beyond the wall” after all.

 And for a fun there was a little exchange between Orelle and Ygritte where he was letting her know how he’d make her his special lady. He said something along the lines of, “You won’t love him so much when you find out what he really is.” Now do you think that means that he’s really still a Crow? Or does Orelle smell one of his own. Remember his little trick with controlling the bird? What if Jon could do something similar with a different animal…

The “Wolf Bitch” and The Hound

 Guess who’s back. Back again. Sandor’s back. Back again. Guess who’s back. Guess who’s back. Guess who’s back.

 *Ahem* So The Hound grabbed Arya when she was trying to get away from Beric Dundarian. Part of you was like, “oh shit”, but I’m willing to bet there was also a part of you that was like, “awww yea”. Why? That’s because as much of a prick as he is… The Hound’s pretty awesome. He pretty much says whatever he wants to people, he’s huge, kills a lot of people, but more importantly, knows how to make us laugh. We, sick demented animals, are strangely drawn to that. This is why I’m pumped that he’s back. The buddy cop story we could be in for may be priceless.

 The thing to think about here is what happened to The Hound when we saw him last. He won the fight for his life but Beric’s men robbed the shit out of him. Now he’s penniless and both the Starks and Lannisters want to kill him. Seems like a good way to get some coin would be… hmm… maybe bring Arya back to Riverrun to where her mother and brother are and see if he can claim a ransom? Now we’re cooking with fire!

Roose Bolton giving Jaime up freely? What a dick…

    I mean… we all see it right? Roose Bolton is pretty sketchy. Now he’s letting Jaime go back to King’s Landing freely? Roose is one of Robb’s main banner men (fantasy army bros) and he’s letting their biggest enemy rejoin his family. It’s starting to look like our pal Roose has got a fall back plan in case the North doesn’t do so hot in the good fight. Put this son of a bitch on the watch list.

Jaime Mafuckin (more like sister fuckin’ – Baaaazing) Lannister

    So when Jaime was first introduced, you were all like, “Who’s this prick?” Then he pushed Bran out a window when he was caught banging his sister and you were like, “Man, fuck this guy!” But then, after he started his trek with Brienne, you were kinda like, “Well… I mean, he’s not all bad”. Now, after jumping into the bear pit to save Brienne, you’re all like, “You’re my boy, Jaime!” That’s right, Jaime Lannister is one of the best characters in fiction.

Love him or hate him, he’s a character you will become strangely fascinated with because he undergoes quite possibly the biggest change out of all the characters throughout the story. I mean the selfless act of saving the woman who at first held him captive? That’s not the same Jaime Lannister that pushed Bran out the window.

This is a character to watch and his story, sorry if this is a spoiler, is far from over.

That’s all I’ve really got this week. If you have any questions, ask them in the comments section. Who’s that dude? Why do I know them? Are they related? Ask away! I love answering questions about this stuff.

Love, your idiot pal,

-Dave

Game trailer for Wolfenstein: The New Order

Aside from the old freeware, version of Wolfenstein, I was never really a fan of the series. They had all the add-ons and then that one that came out a few years ago on PC and some platforms. While I’m a huge fan of Nazis and the occult (A fan of the scenario where good guys fight them. I’m not a fan of Nazis) I just remember “Return to Castle Wolfenstein” looking “Okay”.

And then the trailer dropped for Bethesda Softworks’ (the kids who brought you Fallout 3, Skyrim, and Dishonored) secret project.

I’m such a sucker for alternate history and I’m also a sucker for Nazis as bad guys. Naturally, when I see robots, Nazi stuff, and Jimi Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower” all crescendo at once… I get pretty psyched.

This will be pretty sick.

Love, your idiot pal,

-Dave

The World’s End trailer – Drinking, laughing… aliens?

Double dose of trailers today.

I’m a couple days late with this one and that bums me out because I couldn’t wait for this trailer. Edgar Wright is back directing Simon Pegg and Nick Frost in the third installment of the Cornetto Trilogy (Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz being the first two). I’m a huge fan of this team. Typically, comedy movies don’t have an incredible re-watch value to me but the movies that Edgar Wright does have so many layers that they actually warrant multiple re-watches on a frequent basis.

Also, he never seems to do just a comedy movie. They always have a good dose of action or horror. In this movie’s case, it looks like both.

There are so many good flicks coming out that I sort of don’t know how to behave in public. When people start talking movies with me lately, I start getting emotional. Laughing, crying, screaming in terror; all emotions that will come tumbling out like clowns from a clown car.

Love, your idiot pal,

-Dave

Trailer for Gravity – Sunshine with less actors and Danny Boyles.

I’ve been waiting for this for a while. For those of you who don’t know Alfonso Cuarón (the director) he did one of my top ten favorite movies, Children Of Men. If you haven’t seen Children Of Men, turn off your computer or put down your phone, turn, and just walk to a movie rental store and get it. It’s. Fucking. Awesome.

But we’re not here to talk about Children Of Men. We’re here to talk about the new trailer for Gravity. Here we go:

I’m stoked. Apparently the movie almost entirely takes place in space as two astronauts are accidentally flung into space while only tied to each other. You got the Cloon and the Bullock. A 2 person show that looks tense as shit. Even during the trailer I wanted to shout, “Ooooo, oh my god. JUST GRAB THE THING!”
Can’t wait.

Love, your idiot pal,

-Dave

Hilarious review of a game called Surgeon Simulator 2013.

I had to pass this along because I was up at like 1am the other morning losing my shit while watching this. Not only is this game absolutely ridiculous but this review is hilarious.

Love, your idiot pal,

-Dave

 

Source: Gamestop

Music from the nether reaches of the Internet – The Bronx – Style Over Everything

Listen to something with some energy. Get pumped. Get into this tune by The Bronx off of their newest album. While you’re at it… check out everything by them. They’re pretty sick and have been quite a while.

Love, your idiot pal,

-Dave

Hammer of the Gods trailer – An expensive episode of vikings… now with more blood!

Magnet releasing is unstoppable these days. They have a lot of sick titles on the horizon. Here’s another trailer from them.

You can stop at “Vikings”. I’m already in. I love a good low-budget period movie because it forces them to spend less time on huge ridiculous CGI battle sequences and more on characters and story. This’ll be another addition to my Magnet collection.

Love, your idiot pal,

-Dave

PS. What do you think of these trailers I post? Good? Shitty? C’mon! Let’s chat.

Video source: IGN

GOT Compendium – S3 Ep6 – The loveable bastard Gendry, The Wall, and Littlefinger’s middle finger to Varys!

 Did that last shot of Jon Snow and Ygritte standing on the wall wrangle you out of your nap? Because you probably could have slept through the whole episode and not missed a thing. That’s right, this one was kind of a snoozer. But what can you expect from an epic series like this at the midway point of the season? Prepare your coffee makes because it’s about that time in every season of every show. It’s FILLER EPISODE TIME.

 So, let’s take this time to talk about some of the finer things.

Everybody’s (second) favorite bastard (#teamjonsnow).

 Gendry. Loveable Gendry. Looks like our ol’ pal “The Lord Of Light” has a special interest him and if Barrick can be brought back from the death by his magic… well I’d be worried about Melisandre’s intention with Gendry. She needs King’s Blood for her magic and if you remember correctly, Gendry’s the one that got away.

 That’s right, he’s Robert Boratheon’s bastard son that Ned Stark (And Jon Aryn previously) had discovered. When the rumor of Robert’s black haired bastards that he had left with so many lucky women all around the city, the Queen dispatched her King’s guard to kill them all. In order to protect Gendry, Ned had him sent to the wall.

Here’s Gendry talking a little bit about it on the King’s road.

 So, I don’t know what Melisandre has in store for Gendry (well… I do because I’ve read the books. But play along) but with all the fire and shadowy demon babies… I’m guessing it’s not going to be surprise birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. And remember, Gendry doesn’t know who he really is…

The Wall: A brief history of the biggest damned thing ever.

    The wall was built 8,000 years ago after an event known as “The Long Night”. It was the first time the White Walkers showed up and scared the bejesus out everyone. The Children of the Forest (Who’s powers are very reminiscent of the ones that Jojen Reed has. Remember when he was seizuring out? Yup. Green Dreams) and the First Men worked together in the War for the Dawn and drove the White Walkers back.

    In order to preserve the realm’s safety, Brandon the Builder (Brandon Stark – whom Bran is named after and an excellent craftsman who built Winterfell) built the wall to keep everything that was to the far North inside the boundaries of the far North, Obviously it’s been long enough for the White Walkers to drift into legend but we’ve seen some shit, haven’t we? And so has everyone beyond the wall. Let’s hope Lannister gold keeps those southern jergoffs warm during the long night that’s to come…

Littlefinger’s ploys      

    Now here’s a guy you love to hate. Pety Balish (Littlefinger) is aaaalways up to something isn’t he? Well it looks like his redheaded pal, Ros, who loved to get naked every chance she had possible in the first season, was selling him down river to Varys. Betraying the master betrayer only gets you a one way ticket to Arrowtown courtesy of inbred, golden locks, Joff.

  It was Varys’ ploy to wed Sansa to Loras Tyrell. He knows that Littlefinger wants to take control of Sansa Stark (who’s the key to Winterfell once Robb is defeated) and as he states during his waltz through the garden with Olenna Tyrell, he fears Littlefingers intentions.

  It looks like that all went to hell as soon as Tyrion was told he was going to marry Sansa Stark. And wouldn’t you know it… just when Tyrion tells her, Littefinger sets sail for the Vail (to woo and wed Lysa Arryn, the wife of the the King’s hand previous to Ned and Catelyn Stark’s sister). That’s the ship that Sansa was watching sail away at the end of the episode. That was her chance to escape back to the North but she chose to stay thinking she was going to marry Loras.

 Bummer Sansa. Seriously. You watched your old man get his head lobbed off, had your ass kicked by the King’s guard at you future husband’s order, were nearly raped and killed when the people attempted to uprise, had your betrothal to King broken before you were to marry, and now you’ve got to marry a scarred dwarf. Woof.

  That’s really all I’ve got for this week. The whole marriage deception seems to be the main plot at play here and I know it can be confusing. If you’ve got any questions, ask away in the comment’s section. I love answering comments.

Love, your idiot pal,

-Dave